BLOG 13 - Seeing Each Other

Jason dropped to the ground and wretched. The cold from the frozen earth slowly seeped through his khaki pants and chilled his knees upon contact. The icy touch of the earth lingered on his skin for a moment before it passed though, spreading to his entire body as it battled with the sick warmth of the nausea he felt within. His insides were in a state of chaos and Jason was too weak to regain control. Cautiously he held his position and waited for the wave of nausea to hit again; a moment later it did and he wretched for a second time. Only now, he had nothing left to release except an awful groan as he felt his body turn itself inside and out. He held his position again and waited.

Jason was in the courtyard of the college he had graduated from fourteen years ago. This was the first time he had vomited here since had had been a student and even back then he never resorted to a campus bush –he always managed to find a bathroom. Those days a little vomiting after an evening of partying was how you knew to call it a night; it was no biggie. I was better at this stuff back then, he thought to himself.

The school was close to home. Loving the area, Jason settled down here upon graduation. He had been a business major, because he didn’t have the balls to pursue a film degree, which had been his real passion. Although, he couldn’t tell you the last time he had seen a film that wasn’t computer generated and geared towards seven year olds. He missed going by himself to the art district downtown and watching old black and white foreign films with subtitles. The longer and slower moving the film the better he always felt.

Jason pushed himself up, steadied himself on one knee and took in a deep breath. The night air seemed to steady him a little. He paused, looked at his watch – four twelve in the morning and sighed. He thought back.

A fight, not really a fight… an argument. It came back to him and he wished he could forget it.

Cynthia…was his wife. They met at the college, almost sixteen years ago.

He spotted a bench and attempted to stand up. He felt the world tilt and stretched his arms out to steady it, stumbled, but made his way to the bench and flopped on it.

Cynthia…Of course her hair was long back then; her body tight. He was in better shape then as well. What happened? The answer he came up with was that they had married. Most other days he would have said, getting older, but he was mad tonight and specifically mad at her. He placed his head in his hands and spit to the ground the lingering vomit in his mouth.

They had been a couple for six months when she cheated on him. They were just two college kids, living out their twenties unaware of what laid ahead. At the time it felt as if it was the end of the world, now he can’t remember why just that it took place – the details were fuzzy. It happened right here on campus in Cynthia’s dorm room not too far from here. He looked over towards where the dorm building still stood but now a new gymnasium blocked the view of it from the courtyard. What had happened? Another argument; they stopped talking for a few days. She said they broke up, he said they were just fighting. Within those three confusing days she cheated on him. He spat again.

A year after she did it, she told him. It was after they had just made love that Cynthia told Jason what she had done. A onetime thing, blah blah blah, she had said. They had gone somewhere before, he doesn’t remember anymore. It was a wonderful night, the best they had in a long time. It was so wonderful that she had to tell him what she had done; what she had done a year ago. She didn’t tell me for a year. She couldn’t handle the guilt anymore. He remembers that clearly, she couldn’t handle the guilt anymore. She was so happy, that she had to get it off her chest. She didn’t tell me for a year. And then poof everything changed.

Of course they didn’t break up over it. It had been messy for a few weeks - lots of tears by her, shouts by him. Then things settled down a bit and they both pushed it to the back of their minds. Life went on; they married and distracted themselves with life’s checklist.

Marriage – check
House - check
Kid - check

They seemed happy and they were for many years. We had some good times, Jason thought. A random memory struck him, a road trip…our cross country road trip. It was the whole family even the dog. They had gone west, a two week road trip in a rented RV with no agenda. A song came on the radio; what was it? He couldn’t remember. For some reason it kept coming on, even though it was an old song, and they would sing along every time. Their daughter loved it and she was so cute when she sang it…dancing in her chair. They all laughed. The memory brought a slight smile to Jason’s face, and then it was gone.

But yet, something was festering under the surface and when the checklist was complete Jason began to feel unsettled. He wasn’t alone of course, Cynthia was right there with him although neither could see the other.

They both drank too much now. He would stop at the pub with his work friends, come home drunk. Her drinking was more private and remained contained to the house. He made a point of coming home after their daughter was in bed. He told himself it was so they wouldn’t fight in front of her but it went deeper than that. Then one after another things just stopped: sex, talking, touching, and caring. It all went away. I was a good father once, he thought.

He had been thinking about cheating on Cynthia with a woman from work. She wasn’t anything special he just knew that she would.

He felt sick again. His head spun. He braced himself for another wave of nausea.

He had run up against a guard rail with the car tonight. That was what they had fought about. It was coming back to him. He was drunk of course. Cynthia heard the scraping sound of the metal against the tires and came out. She was also drunk and the two of them collided.

They screamed in the driveway at each other. He tried to get back in the car and drive away but she took the keys and threw them across the yard. At some point their daughter had woken up and her cries could be heard from inside the house. The fighting intensified.

And that was when it happened.

“Why did you fuck someone else?” He yelled. The question was released deep from within him and seemed to come out of nowhere. He did not even know he had asked it until after it had happened.

The question struck Cynthia just as much as it struck Jason and all went quiet for awhile. Jason slid down to the ground and leaned against the now beaten and battered car.

“What?” She whispered. Cynthia had heard the question but did not know what else to say.

“Why did you have to fuck someone else?” This time he asked quieter.

She didn’t respond, her face softened and she just looked at him broken.

Jason broke down in tears. Cynthia knelt to the ground and reached out to him and gently touched his face. He pushed her hand away even though her touch felt right. He caught a glimpse of their daughter crying from her bedroom window upstairs before he got up and walked away.

The nausea retuned and broke his memory, returning him to the bench and the night air. He leaned over, shut his eyes and gave himself over to the chaos that had invaded his body. He remained that way…waiting…eyes closed…hunched over….until he felt a warm hand on his forehead and he knew it was her. His stomach began to settle and the chaos subsided enough for him to lean back into her arms. He opened his eyes and she was with him. They sat in silence for a long time with just her hand on his forehead until Jason spoke.

“Do you remember that song we kept singing on our road trip?” He asked weakly.

“The road trip? Yes.”

“What was it?”

“Shake your booty by –“

“By KC and The Sunshine band.” He finished. Jason let out a sigh of relief and then a slight laugh.

“Why?”

“Because I knew you would know.”

The two continued to sit with each other in silence allowing the night to wash over them. After sometime Cynthia broke the silence.

“Are we going to be okay?” She finally asked.

“I don’t know,” he said softly and then reached out and took her hand gently into his.

He looked over to Cynthia; her eyes were puffy and red. She was wiping a tear that had run down her check with the back of her hand. She looked back up at Jason, his face pale from sickness, hair matted with sweat and for the first time in years, they had seen each other.

~End~